Monthly Archives: February 2019

It’s been a while

I’m sure I’ve had a whole bunch of different things I could have written about in between my last personal post in October and now, but this is the thing that made me really want to come back. I’ve been talking about starting testosterone for like a year, but I knew I had to tell my step-mom, my uncle, and my siblings before I could start. I finally told them today! The only one who has given an actual response as of 13 hours later was my uncle. My sister put a thumbs up emoji and that’s it. My step-mom and brother haven’t said anything.

I don’t think my brother would be bothered by it, but my step-mom might be. It’s weird though, because even if she’s upset, I doubt she’ll do anything about it, and since she probably won’t do anything about it, I’m fine with her being upset. I don’t think it’s worth being upset over, I just didn’t want them to be shocked when my voice starts getting deeper and my face starts growing hair. I don’t see why me changing my own body should matter to anyone else. It’s not like it affects them.

Anyway, the reason this made me want to write suddenly is that telling those four people is always the last step. They’re the last to know, usually, because I’m the most scared to tell them and I have to tell them all at once so they don’t tell each other. Once they know, it means I’m free to actually follow through! So now I’m suddenly actually free to start hormones. It’s scary and exciting. I’m so sick of my high voice and huge hips. I know not everything will change perfectly, but this has given me hope for my future.

I’m having such a weird time lately. My 26th birthday is coming up and, for some reason, it’s throwing me into a weird state of mind. I never expected to turn 26. I still find it hard to believe that I will. I didn’t ever imagine living this long. I thought my depression would have killed me by now. Last year, I suddenly felt I had to make plans for a future me. I started university, which I hadn’t done partially because I didn’t think there was a point since I wouldn’t live to use an education. I started therapy a couple months ago. I haven’t had a second session yet, but I have two more planned. Now I’m going to start testosterone, hopefully before the end of the year. I’m planning on being checked by a doctor for the first time in MANY years. I’m doing things for my health like cutting down on pop and coffee and trying to increase my water and tea intake. I stopped eating red meat this year, just for health reasons. I’m cooking myself meals instead of just eating instant noodles and spending money on take out. I’m budgeting.

I didn’t expect to live this long, but if I’m going to keep living, I’m going to make my life worth it.