The Wedding

I have my last day of work this Thursday. I’m so glad it’s almost over. I’m going to just be doing school. Homework is so overwhelming, and work is taking up so much of my time and energy. I’m super behind in my reading for classes. I’m starting to think I should just read bits and pieces.

I went to a friend’s wedding this past weekend. A friend from Bible college. There were lots of people there I hadn’t seen in years, some of them were people I purposely cut out of my life. One of them called me by my old name. It was such a gross feeling. It felt terrible. And then I saw a person I always hope I’ll never see again. He brings up my fight or flight, but mostly I want to fight him. I’m always hoping he’ll give me a reason to hit him. For a few day or weeks after I see him, I get random urges to find him and start a fight. He didn’t talk to me though, so it’s already calming down.

I hope someday none of them will recognize me anymore, when I’ve been on testosterone for a long time. I’m sure it’ll happen because some people already don’t recognize me.

Marz was my date to the wedding. Marz’s mom thinks we’re dating and it’s both hilarious and kind of frustrating. She’s all concerned about Marz, as if I would be so terrible for her. But also, this has only become a problem to her since I came out. We’ve been going to things as each others’ “dates” for years, we act exactly the same as we always have, but now that she knows I’m queer, it’s a problem. I came out to Marz as bi when I was 13. If things were going to happen, they would have already.

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