Bache

I’ve been accepted into university. I’ve actually managed to go through all the steps, and now I’m starting school soon. There were several times that I tried, but I basically stopped telling people because of the times I failed to complete some steps. I’m going to get a bachelor degree in communication studies, and hopefully become an editor. At the very least, I would like to write for a living. Maybe I’ll end up working for an online magazine or edit novels. As long as I’m writing, I think I’ll be pretty lucky.

There was a night when I was sure I wasn’t going to be able to go through with university and I felt so hopeless and terrible, I felt like my life was over. My mental health has been so improved since finding out I’ll be able to go to university, but it’s now declining again. I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever feel like a whole, complete person. Probably not.

Marz and I were talking about bachelor/bachelorette parties the other day, and she asked what I would call mine. Then she said “bache” (like batch), I laughed, and it stuck. I mean, I would be fine with just “bachelor” but bache is fun.

I feel weird about marriage. Like, I want it, but I also think it inevitably ends in pain and legal problems. Also, not to be a negative stereotype of pansexual people, but the idea of choosing one person to be with forever scares me a little. What if I marry a man and never get to kiss a woman? What if I marry someone before I’ve finished transitioning and they then don’t really like my anatomy as much after? What if my spouse just isn’t being honest with me in general?

I’m attracted to such a variety of people. I would love to date a short lady who is super cute and fashionable. Or a punk woman. I would love to date a man with unnaturally-coloured hair who appreciates my queer masculinity. I would love to date someone covered in tattoos, someone artsy, someone nerdy. I don’t know, I’m just so full of love to give to people, but I’m scared of letting people into my life. I could have had several meaningful relationships in the time since I last kissed someone. I think it was around four years ago.

I don’t feel like I’m worth peoples’ time. I think I’ll disappoint them, or they’ll disappoint me, and it won’t be worth it. I have high standards to keep myself safe, but maybe I’m just keeping myself lonely. I’m more than ready for a romantic relationship. I still have problems, but they aren’t as bad as they used to be, and my main reason for not dating was not being sure of myself. I’m out now, and 100% okay with my gender and sexuality. I just haven’t opened up to anyone.

I also am different from a lot of people in that I want to be friends before I consider dating someone. I need there to be a connection, but most people don’t want to ruin a friendship by making it romantic. I don’t want physical intimacy until there’s an established bond. Some friends have made comments about “Operation Get Walgo Laid.” It sounds good in theory, but I always brush them off because realistically I wouldn’t even be able to kiss a stranger. There’s a reason I’ve only kissed 4 people. I can be physically and sexually attracted to strangers, but I can never act on it. If someone I was extremely attracted to but didn’t have a connection with tried to make a move, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, given the right circumstances, I might have a random encounter with a stranger, but it seems so unappealing to me when I really think about hook-ups.

Dating is hard, and I’ve never really dated. Hopefully I will sometime soon.

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